My final text to my brother last night was "I love you. Now get some sleep." It is so much easier to give that advice than to take it. I don't have much trouble going to sleep, but without fail, I wake up at 4:00a.m. with my head swimming. I worry about my mom, my students, Lily. Sometimes these early morning "fret-fests" can be productive. I can brainstorms lists, and once soothed, with a plan my brain can relax and let me get some more sleep. This week that isn't an option.
My mom is in the hospital. She has fought so hard and been so very optimistic, but I don't think that will be enough. It might seem like I am at peace with this, but inside there is a very angry little persons stomping her feet, bicycling her legs, and yelling "No!" I am not ready to lose my mother. Call me arrogant, but I feel like I've lost enough people. I've lost pretty much everyone who raised me. It makes me so angry that they aren't and won't be here to help raise my girls. I grew up in a big "crazy" family with a group mentality in raising children. Whether it was by choice or necessity, I don't know. It was pretty awesome to have had so many people loving me and believing in me. I used to think that being born into such a young family meant that they would be around for a long time. Now I think that I was born into a young family because they weren't going to be here for long.
Losing my mom never for once seemed like an option. I need to let this happen on her terms and with dignity. As always I will be reasonable. It is not a very exciting personality trait, but it has been the one that has served me the best. There is nothing that I can do to stop this. That is the hardest part. I am always in control of so many things. When they get out of control, I can usually spin the situation to work out anyway. Maybe that's why I have spent so much time watching HGTV this summer. I can't control my world, so I am going to watch shows where people can take control and change everything.
I need to let this go and turn over control. As much as I want to know why and I want to shout about the unfairness of this, there is nothing that can be done. Sometimes the answer is simply an unsatisfactory "because."