Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Make a Plan

We are home today due to the extremely cold temperatures. I know that some people think that's a silly idea, but I know many of my students don't have proper cold weather gear and have either a long hike to our school or a long wait at the bus stop. It is just dangerous!

Anyway, I used the time to clean out the medicine closet (loooong over due). As I threw away countless expired medicines, it was a reminder of a time when I thought my entire life with Lily would revolve around asthma, wound care, and bronchial infections. Obviously, it didn't happen because all of the medicine is unused. She is healthy now, well as healthy as your average eight year old. It makes me wonder if someday I will look back on her school struggles and feel the same way. Not sure. My "spidey senses" (which I take great stock in) say we are in for a long road. But those same senses are also dulled by the fact that I am most likely depressed. So I am spending a great deal of time second guessing and doubting and worrying. Poor Rob. I would usually share at least 50% of this angst with Mom. Now he gets it all.

Lily failed yet another test. I don't think we need to wait any longer to see what happens. We have an appointment with her teacher and I am going to ask that we go to Child Study. Rob isn't arguing with me about it, which is a little scary. Either he's humoring me or he sees what I see. I also left a message with a doctor looking into ADD testing. I really don't want to put her on any medication. Really! And now all of the conversations that I have had over the years with parents gently explaining that their child needs help, come tumbling back to me. All I can think is "It is so much easier to tell others what to do than it is to do it." I am so sorry for all of the times I was judgmental and frustrated with overwhelmed and waffling parents.

I know that getting help for Lily first, breaks the "put the air mask on yourself before your child" rule, but it is what I want. Maybe it will help. I am not sure what I want to do about myself. I am a big proponent of taking medication to help with depression, but I am not a fan of the side effects. They make me feel less like me. Although, right now I spend a great deal of time not really feeling like myself as it is.  I think I have time to wait and see on this one. I can get up and function and work and take care of the kids. I'll figure it out later. Usually, my tendency to procrastinate works out for me.

I guess this is just the beginning and we see where it goes from here. Lily has her own method of dealing with this: ignore it! She is completely immersed in her dolls, creating elaborate scenarios. Honestly, she is a much better mother to her dolls than I am to my living kids:) She used her money to buy a wheelchair for one of her dolls. She is currently raising five dolls, one with a disability. She is doing a damn fine job of it! I need to take notes:)

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