It is a good thing that I don't post here more often. I think it would be the most morose, self-indulgent blog ever, if I posted daily. Right after my awesome mom's day I woke up with a killer panic attack. I should have seen the signs (three day headache, too much time spent in stores with loud music, interaction with strangers, and number crunching). I swear there is a vortex of Melissa worries swirling above my bed, just waiting for me to wake up in the middle of the night. I wake up to pee and dash to the bathroom praying my worries don't catch me.
Two weeks ago they did. I lay there wide awake at 3:00am wondering: "Is the end of the world coming? Are we prepared? What do I do with the dog if the end of the world comes?" (I blame these thoughts solidly on watching The Walking Dead), "Is Rob ok? How is his health? What would I do if the worst happened and I lost him?", "Have we been spending too much money? How upside down are we in this house? Will we ever get out from under?", "The shower leaks, the door knobs are broken, they don't lock or lock when they shouldn't, and they are very mismatched.", " Do we have the money to fix the shower, send Caroline to Great Britain, to college, to pay for braces, for violin lessons?", "Oh shoot, I forgot to have Lily practice violin.", "The girls should be more involved, Caroline is lonely, the girls spend too much time on the computer, watch too much T.V., eat too much junk, not enough vegetables.", "Rob eats too much junk not enough vegetables (this lead me back to the worry for Rob's health)." You get the picture. The hardest part is during a panic attack, I am fully aware of how silly or out of my control these thoughts are; I just can't stop them. The more that I try to stop them, the more worried that I feel. I ended up doing the only thing that I could. I got up, ate a few cookies, and watched T.V.
Things are better now. It is an eb and flow. Some days are better than others. Since spring break I have upped the healthy eating- exercise effort. So far so good. Last weekend the weather was beautiful. There is something about warm weather that inspires Rob and I to get off of our butts and do something. We rearranged furniture and re-caulked the tub. Rob giggled like a fourteen year boy every time I said caulk. Apparently my odd northern accent made it sound like something else. All I know is that a couple of home projects are done and consequently, I have a few less worries.