I remember learning in psychology 101 that smiling releases endorphins which tricks your brain into feeling happy. These days, I must look like quiet a sight to those who are in the surrounding cars during my commute to and from school. I drive along on auto pilot, drinking jasmine green tea, listening to loud rock music, and smiling all the way. I don't have another choice. I don't feel very happy right now, so by golly, I'll fake it. I am lucky that I get to spend most of my day working with children. They have a way of moving your focus off of yourself. The flip side is I go home to my own personal child who wants the focus on her and her alone.
Lily is definitely going through something right now. I spend so much time arguing with her. She won't cave. I ask her to clean her room and she responds "make me." It is enough to make me want to spank her, but I know that will get me nowhere. What it does get her is timeout. She's spent a lot of time in timeout in her room. I know that this will pass.
I have some odd ways of dealing with stress and melancholy. I tend to gravitate towards very bittersweet books. I don't even hunt for them. I pull a book off the shelf and it matches my mood and current situation. I can fake happy all day, but at night I can dive into sadness. There is nothing wrong with being sad, as long as you don't let it take you over. Towards the end of this week I did feel like it was in danger of taking me over, but today has been better. I got some sleep for one thing. I didn't get much else done, though. All of that cleaning that I did last week is gone now.
Not only did I spend last week tricking myself into feeling happy, I was super mom. I was an unbelievably efficient organized working robot mother. That explains the tiredness.
I don't know how long this will go on. I just need to go one day at a time and do the best that I can each day. I end the day trying to focus on what I was able to get done and being thankful for my blessings. I am not always successful, but practice makes perfect.