Monday, April 26, 2010

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

I owe those who read this blog an apology. I never should have made an off the cuff joke about Zoloft. I have this tendency to make jokes that are meant to lighten the situation or deflect attention form myself and sometimes they blow up in my face.

It's a defense mechanism, leftover from a childhood of making many mistakes. If I turn it into a joke and laugh at it, people might not make fun of me. This habit really bothered my father (the biggest joker of all). He could never understand why I was so negative about myself.

Most of my life I have dealt with panic attacks. They got really bad right before my father died and right after. I knew that I wasn't functioning well and that is when I went to my doctor and he suggested that I try Zoloft. It helped my body get back on track while I learned to deal with my panic. I didn't tell many people except really close friends and Rob. I didn't even tell my family. I thought that it was a character flaw or a weakness. I was wrong.

A common theme amongst so many mom bloggers seems to be this idea of needing to be perfect without ever needing help. I really want to remove this stigma. There is nothing wrong with taking medication to help with a chemical imbalance. Judging someone or feeling ashamed about it makes as much sense as apologizing for wearing glasses.

Modern mothers seem to feel this need for ultimate perfection. We keep adding more and more things to our plate without ever taking anything off. If we can't do it all, we feel we've failed. Why? Why do we do this to ourselves? The main reason that I write this blog is to share the realities of my motherhood journey, warts and all. Please keep in mind so much of this is tongue in cheek or off the cuff (Lily gets punished often for being so saucy, I really rarely drink wine, my house is not in utter shambles). I just know how hard it is to admit to the realities of life face to face. Maybe it will be easier across the world wide web. I happen to also think it is easier while being a wise guy.

I love my life, every part of it. I will always be dealing with anxiety. The last few weeks were particularly brutal. I had to take a math placement test (that will get it own blog) and was under a great deal of stress. The thing is now I know when a panic attack is starting and how to deal with it. When I start getting annoyed at very small things like loud chewing or make really off the wall jokes (like the last blog), I am having a hard time. Lesson learned: Do Not Blog When Under Stress! By the way, I am also adding, do not blog when sick. How many blogs have I started "I have a cold..."

Thank you for reading and hopefully no one was offended.

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