On and On

For so many reasons this has been a difficult week. I was talking with a co worker this week about working mothers. She was able to stay home when her children were younger and was expressing awe at how her grown daughter and I manage as working mothers. She said it seems like such a juggling act and just one little things throw off the whole balance. Oh if only she knew. No matter how hard I try, I feel more and more like an excellent manager and a not so excellent mother. I don't want to be a "dying swan," so I rarely tell people just how hard it is some days. I alternate between congratulating myself along the lines of "I am woman hear me roar!" and collapsing into bed at night wondering if I even stopped through the rush of the day to kiss my children.

This week: I worked, visited a friend that I hadn't seen in awhile, held parent conferences, planned and taught part of a literacy workshop for ESOL parents, chaperoned for Lily's field trip, took Caroline to drum lessons, made many meals and lunches, washed laundry, planned for next weeks lessons, graded some papers, baked and iced 48 pink cupcakes, hosted a teen scout jewelry making party, consoled my teenager about various teen type worries, bathed my youngest child three times, brushed the dog, fed the dog daily, fed the turtles daily, took Lily to dance class, and hosted Lily's seventh birthday party. All that and I am sitting here feeling bad because my grading isn't finished and I forgot to light the candle on Lily's cupcake and sing happy birthday. Oh yeah and add to that: I don't think that I ever stopped to enjoy the moments or have fun.

My friend posted an awesome article on Facebook this week that addresses this feeling. We don't really enjoy parenting until after the fact. Next year, maybe as soon as next month, I'll look back on this week and congratulate myself on having parented well. I'll even remember much of it as fun. It's just hard to appreciate it when you are in the throes of it all and that's okay. I am not less of a parent for hissing at my my child during her party "You will never have another birthday again if you don't stop this right now!" It was perfectly okay to think to myself "Why the hell am I doing this?" as I was dashing around drenched in sweat. It was also okay to be very pleased that I got so many compliments on my awesome party hosting skills. It was fine to think "Damn straight!" when other mom's wondered how I was able to do this while working.


PS Here's a link to the article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/dont-carpe-diem_b_1206346.html

Watching, Waiting

I think the thing that makes me feel the oldest is the fact that I am the mother of a teenager. I picked Caroline up from Skate Night an Friday and was surrounded by the sort of jackassery that only the combination raging hormones and tired parents in SUVs can create. As I stood in the freezing cold and looked for my sensible daughter I tried not to laugh at the teens around me. They were trying so hard to be cool and look like they didn't care whether or not they were cool. God, how exhausting that must be. Caroline finally came over and I quip "Let's go. I don't mind hanging out with my teenage smart ass, but I don't have to put up with other people's." Of course at that moment her boyfriend and friends come up to say hi. That's right, Melissa, keep it classy, be a role model.

Honestly, we have managed to get into a grove with the whole raising a teenager thing. She is a really good kid. She works her butt off in school and has the grades to show for it. She is involved in lots of activities and has really good friends (some of them I find wildly amusing). She has a razor sharp wit and the potty mouth to go with it (I'm working on that, but the pot really shouldn't be calling the kettle black, now should she?).

We joke that we need to get her a shirt that says Nerd Goddess. Seriously, this girl is every nerdy/geeky guy's dream. She is gorgeous. I'm not saying that just because she's mine. The thing is she is totally unaware of how pretty she is. She is very comfortable in her skin. Caroline loves music and books. She devours books like oxygen. Her room is filled with super hero posters. She is anxiously awaiting the films The Avengers and The Hunger Games. She can talk rock music, comic books, football, basketball, wrestling, and action films. What boy wouldn't want to hang out with her? I'm watching her turn into her own person. She isn't exactly who I thought she'd be. She's probably better; she's defiantly more well rounded. Now the next step is to watch and see how Lily turns out.

The Next Stage

Very shortly I will be turning 41. It is hard to believe because some days I still fell like such a kid. When I went in for a check up before my surgery the nurse asked the doctor if I needed an EKG because of my heart murmur. He looked quickly at my chart and replied "She's over 40; she'll need one no matter what." When did I enter that zone? What a surreal feeling. It reminded me of the first time someone called me Mrs. Simpson. I just giggled inside. "Who me? I'm too young to be married." I thought. This time I didn't giggle. I still feel too young,though. I still listen to college radio; I watch independent films. However, my joints also crackle like Rice Crispies when I get out of bed every morning. I guess the gig is up.

Getting old has creeped up on me. I know that I've written about my body looking like "a can of biscuit dough that has a broken seal." Yet, it still surprises me when I am getting ready in the morning and catch a glimpse of my body in the mirror. Let's just say nothing seems to be where it is supposed to be. Gravity stinks! Rob and I have been talking about putting money aside in a "cafeteria plan" in order to pay for the kids expenses (braces, inhalers etc). This morning it occurred to us that we really needed it for us. Every time we turn around we are being sent for one test or another.

I don't mind getting older, I have written time and time again about enjoying the freedom of this age. I know myself and feel comfortable with who I am. Every once in awhile it does smack me in the face a bit.

No Apologies

It seems like once a month I write a post apologizing for not posting more often. Well, this time no apologies. Life is just going at a break neck pace. It's been busy, but not unpleasantly so. I am in the thick of the "mom taxi years." There's dance and drums and scouts and swim. There's yoga for me and PTA and Advisory Councils. Life is full and I am trying to keep up. This past week has been wonderful because I've had no choice but to slow down. I had carpal tunnel surgery on my right hand the Friday before Christmas. Tonight is my full out typing test run. My fingers tingle but work. So far so good. We went at a steady clip before Christmas: parties and events almost every weekend, frantic cleaning and wrapping, and marathon baking. All that needed to be done was cook Christmas dinner and Rob handled that. We tried very hard to keep it simple this year and it worked out quiet well. The tree looked a little bare with fewer gifts, but no one seemed to suffer. Our newest member, Buffy, seemed to have the most fun. When I watched the video of the girls opening their gifts, you can see a frantic white terrier leaping in the background carrying her new toys from room to room.

Speaking of Buffy: first thing after my hand heals, that stinker is going to obedience school. She is almost 2 years old and carries on like she is 4 months old. She dug out from under the fence the night before my surgery and led Caroline and I on a wild goose chase through the neighborhood. We'd get a few feet away, she'd stop, play bow, and dash off. She manged to escape again on Christmas, this time cutting herself. Yesterday, the little fool dug so hard she broke a nail and then led Rob dashing after her in the mud around and around the yard. She finally willingly went over to our neighbor. Rob's response once we were in the house "Great Buffy, the neighbors already think that we are idiots! Now you made us look like jackasses too!"

OK, I guess everything isn't completely perfect. Perfect is boring anyway!

The More Things Change, The More They Stay The Same

Of course it has been crazy busy around here. Do I know any other way to live? I thought that after three years teaching first grade, it would be easier, but there are some many new things this year (like an electronic grade book that hates me). October was the month of: broken dishwasher, hot water heater, washing machine, husband traveling to California for a week, mom with a month long sinus infection, teenager dating, dog chewing important things like American Girl Dolls, and six year old just being six. Despite all the chaos and utter exhaustion, I am going to focus on what we are doing right.

I just read a study that said 40% of children from 0-8 have a T.V. in their room and access to a smart phone type device. This is the one time that I can pat myself on the back. Every other study has me feeling like I've invited the Grim Reaper himself to be my girls' god parent. I don't serve all organic food, I let them watch T.V., they eat processed food, and they have very warped and highly inappropiate senses of humor. BUT, they don't have their own T.V.'s or smart phones. Heck, I don't have a smart phone. The dog just chewed the finger off of the expensive AG doll, there is no way any fancy phone if coming into this mill of destruction.

As for the T.V., that's one area where I have taken a firm stand. Sure we're are a processed food eating, movie watching, T.V. watching family, but we do it as a family. No one is going off to be isolated. It is in the den. There is one in the basement and our room, but they are rarely used. I've stopped feeling guilty about T.V. because that is our family togetherness time. And it is a rowdy good time! We love comedies and sit here and laugh together until our eyes water. Then we repeat our favorite lines over and over for the rest of the week (or in Rob's case, the year). We watch nature documentaries and provide our own witty commentary, usually involving poop or gas jokes. We love to watch shows about antique collectors. They usually lead to Rob or I sharing a story about our grandparents.

It has occurred to me that our T.V. is our modern version of the family fireplace. We are around it all together, engaged. Henceforth, I feel no more guilt! As long as we are doing stuff together and having fun, we're good!

Big Problems. Big Thoughts

Wow! Caroline, Rob, and I had the best discussion about this. The irony is that Rob and I have a history of being on opposites of political debates. We are on the same side here. He is even more fired up than I am most likely because he understands the economics better than me. I think from the heart. He thinks from the numbers. Caroline is taking civics this year and is able to really grasp this. Her question: "Why can't those with more give more?" I do wonder how all this will end. There are many disenfranchised people out there. They are overwhelmed and don't know what to do next. How do we fix this? How do we leave a better or at least tolerable world for our children?

Disillusionment

I am feeling very frustrated right now. I've only watched a little bit of the news about the Occupy Wall Street Movement, mostly because I don't believe unorganized protests work in the US. Rob and I were talking about it and I said "What they really need is a mission statement." That alone proves that I've been spending too much time using the new educational jargon. That doesn't mean that I don't agree with the overall sentiment. I do more than anyone realizes. I am just frustrated by the people who are adding to the chaos. I don't think people in orange jumpsuits with gorilla masks are going to prove the point. The point is greed. I am so tired of people with power and money taking more and more just because they want it. It makes me understand how the ideas of socialism were first born.

As part of a new school system initiative, my class needs to develop a mission statement. Ours is full of ideas of kindness, sharing, and helpfulness. At what age do we abandon those basic ideas? When do we forget the Golden Rule? I am so tired of some many people's lack of compassion for their fellow man. It seems that as long as "I get mine" anything goes. I used to believe that being a good person was enough. If I do my best and be kind, I would have a good life. I know, I do have a good life, I am married to a wonderful man and have two beautiful daughters. Every night I give thanks for my blessings. It is getting harder and harder to maintain my Pollyanna optimism. I really do hope that things change. honestly, something has to give soon. The tension and the fighting are ridiculous.

I guess the best that I can do is teach my girls to be kind and compassionate. I can try to teach it to my students for the time they are with me. I can keep try to pass on kindness. Maybe it will spread. All I do know is that I can't sit here and be bitter. It is a waste of time. Time is priceless. Not even the CEO of the biggest corporation can buy that.