Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Mad Money Ninja Skills

We were invaded this summer. By flies. Dirty, disgusting flies. Flies intent upon destruction. The destruction of  fresh fruit, glasses of wine, children's snacks, ice pops, chocolate cake, my sanity. The little jerks circled our heads in the bathroom reflecting over and over in the mirror becoming an army of mayhem. I woke up bleary eyed listening to a chorus of "M F'n flies!!"

My house is clean, I swear! My house is also full of animals. Animals that I have invited to live here. Animals who aren't always cared for by their owners (don't ever fall for "I will take care it, Mom, I promise..."). These animals lead to flies.

I don't believe in poison, but I also know that flies are nasty and spread disease, soooo the gloves were off. I bought the spray, pulled out the fly swatter, and set to work. I flew from room to room upstairs spraying with one hand and swatting with the other. At one point I hit three with one blow and felt like Jack the Giant Killer.

Things were looking up. We went out shopping, and I bought a new maxi dress. Back home, I tried it on to show the girls. I pulled my head through the top of the dress and... dive bombed by flies! What the actual F.....?! I chased those suckers down the hall, determined to find their evil little lair. They lead me right to the playroom (which is where we keep the rabbit hutch). They landed on the ceiling taunting me, so I hiked up the skirt of my new dress and smacked the ceiling yelling "Die mother fuckers! Die!" Did I mention Caroline had a friend over? It's OK her friends know me and my ways.

The ones that escaped the swatter flew under the shade. I lifted it and HOLY CRAP, 50 flies flew out at me! I threw open the window and most of them escaped (clever little jerks). The ones that didn't got hit with a one two punch of spray and vacuum cleaner. Yes, the vacuum cleaner hose attachment is an awesome way to catch flies buzzing around your head. I felt like King Kong on top of the Empire State building, only much better dressed.

My pretty new dress survived the massacre and is now dubbed "The Fly Killer Dress." as in "Hey, Melissa do you want to meet me for drinks? Sure, just let me change into my Fly Killer Dress. Do you mean Killer, fly dress? No Fly Killer." I got all of the flies, except one. Little does he know, I am stealth, when he least expects it... Whoosh, vacuum time!

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