Contentment

If you couldn't tell from my most recent posts and lack there of, I have been feeling a little bleck lately, not depressed, just out of sorts. I can't really pin point one exact reason why. It could be the fact that more and more I am realizing that I am getting older. Mentally, I don't feel that old (except when I have an overloaded plate of family and work obligations). I still love my alt rock and quirky movies. I am still wickedly sarcastic and often speak in movie quotes (I can't really understand people who can't quote movies). All that comes to a crashing halt when I step out of bed and realize that that loud noise isn't gunfire, it's my back and knees! Then I look in the mirror and wonder "Who in the hell is that?!" I'm not vain. I know that I am soft and wrinkly around the edges. I am ok with that. Getting older doesn't have to doom you to orthopedic shoes and housecoats. My step mother and I were just talking about this. In today's day and age, older women can be fun and funky. We have kicky (and supportive) shoes, fun glasses, and awesome clothes. I am not lamenting the loss of the mini skirt days. I think my problem is, for lack of a better word, the drudgery of my current place and station in life.

I have tried very hard to explain this to some of my friends and they feel that I am being macabre. Let's see who out there in "blogland" gets it. I have almost nothing to look forward to. Now before you start telling me things like "seize the day!" and "be the captain of your own destiny!" hear me out. All of my big exciting stuff is done: no prom, no wedding, no babies. I am very much in an "at your service stage." I am a taxi driver; I am the coordinator of other people's fun. Some days it feels like Mother Nature is standing there tapping her watch giving me the universal "wrap it up, Sweetie" sign. Being a mother, she'll have what my kid's always called a "Mommy goodbye" and will stand around chatting with all the other goddess types, so I don't think that I am at death's door. I do think know everything I do and have is wrapped up in other people's lives.

Good grief, I am the pathetic woman who cries "I don't know what I like to do anymore!" But guess what, even if I remembered it, I literally don't have time. I fit in yoga for health and read for mental well being, but who really gets excited about that? I just read an article in Redbook (don't judge me) pretty much on this exact topic. The point? Life is an ebb and flow (no kidding), there are ups and downs (no sh@#), and some days are better than others (really?). None of this is news right? Well they attached timelines made by real women of various ages starting in their 20's and ending anywhere from 30-50. There, I had visual proof that there are moments of utter crap, but good ones come too. I also had visual proof that the small stuff does matter. Some of these women's happiest moments were the sweetest and simplest. I also had visual proof that when my babies leave, I won't cease to be. By the way, I have a feeling that the fact that I read the article while sitting by the pool, also helped me to feel better.


Here's the article   Feel a Little Happier Everyday in case you are interested. Nothing ground breaking, but warm fuzzy inducing none the less.