Long time no hear from, huh? There are a myriad of reasons that it has been so long. I've been busy at work, the kids, are keeping me busy, my laptop is on it's last legs and, like everything else in my life does things in it's own sweet time, I share many of my stories through Facebook (the blog might seem redundant), and well... mostly it's due to Netflicks. I have discovered a world of movies and TV shows that I never knew I HAD to see. Like most things that I become overly fixated on, my Netflicks affair has faded (besides I have watched every season of Criminal Minds). However, there is still the problem of work. I love my job, but in all honesty it takes a lot of my time. There's grading, planning, analyzing data... That's not going to change.
My biggest dilemma seems to be shared by my fellow "mom bloggers." What do you write about once your children become teens? What happens when their stories are no longer your stories. My girls are pretty awesome. They have never demanded to be left out of my blog. I do feel that I am obligated to not put anything out there that could cause them harm or embarrassment. One blogger stated that she doesn't want to put anything about her daughter in print that vicious 14 year old girls could find and use against her later. Honestly, blogging is kind of an old lady thing (come on, you know I'm right). Of all the types of social media, this is the most laborious. Youngsters with a "Twitter" attention span would probably not seek out my blog. None the less, I am keeping the girls personal business out of my writng from now on.
We are doing well. I am getting older and fluffier. I am still searching for inner peace and outer (inner) health. Caroline is getting ready to graduate! She is remarkable. She got into VCU and is ready to go off and make her mark. There will be a couple of posts on the wonderfulness that is my oldest daughter. I have publicly gushed already and none of this is off limits. Lily is also doing amazingly well. She is my Renaissance girl. She is playing the cello and on the robotics team. She recently built a robot! Oh and she currently has straight As. Will she have other bumps in the road? Yes, most likely (we are facing middle school next year), but we will get through. She will get through. Lily has learned strategies to help her deal with whatever challenges come her way. Besides she has Caroline, Rob, and I backing her all the way!
No promises of weekly blog posts. It will still be as the spirit moves me, but more often that it has been, that's for sure. Thank you for sticking with me!
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Sunday, September 13, 2015
The Upside of Parenting a Teen
Everyone knows the challenges of parenting a teenager. There's the eye rolling, savant-like swearing ability, door slamming, crap left all over the house, and the roller coaster of moods. Arguably, Rob and I have had it easy with our teenager. That still hasn't eliminated the moments when we catch each other's eyes across the room and telepathically ask "What the hell was that?!?!"
People don't hear about the upside nearly enough. There's the chance for a "do over" of your teens. I am not proposing that you live through your teen, but it is a chance to rediscover all of those things that you loved when you were young. I have loved having the chance to share dark teen comedies with Caroline. I've shared my music, humor, and sci fi love. It gives me the chance to forget the draining adultness of my life and snuggle down with snacks and Heather's quotes.
It has also given me the chance to give the advice that I wish I'd been given during my teens. I was raised in an unconventional manner in a very conventional town. Life would have been so much easier if I'd had a road map navigating hygiene, fashion, pop culture, make up, and main stream society. I am not so far removed from it all that I can't steer her in the right direction. We jokingly told Lily that we want her to learn to fly her freak flag, but not too high. My girls and I have become very good at being ourselves, but not so much so that we stand out. We are "human wall paper," quietly pursuing our own interests while following societal norms.
Raising Caroline has given me the chance to remember to be hopeful. I have gotten in the habit of skulking through life waiting for everything to "hit the fan." I am slightly pessimistic and very untrusting. I think back to myself at 18 and I miss that girls. She had such determination. Caroline is so excited about the upcoming presidential election. She has researched and looked for the candidate whose ideas mirror hers. She is full of excited idealism. Me? I just think "Well, politicians are politicians. Eventually they'll stumble and let us down." What kind of attitude is that? Life needs hope! When she texted me asking me to go to a Bernie Sanders Rally with her, I said yes. I would not miss the opportunity to see her get to start to make her mark on life. We all need idealism.
This leads me to the last point, you get to see the results of all of your hard work. All of those late nights and daily battles, the vomit and potty training, the homework battles, the carefully shaping her world, the daily conversation of right versus wrong; it has all lead to this moment. The little girl who people used to think was just a bit "too odd" has grown into this remarkable woman. All of the love we poured into her is now being shared with every child she works with. The insistence that she finish her homework every night and "chunk" projects over weeks has resulted in a work ethic that rivals my own. The security and confidence building has resulted in a young woman who can move past every time someone hurts her. When the hurt becomes big or confusing, she still feels comfortable enough to come talk to us.
People don't hear about the upside nearly enough. There's the chance for a "do over" of your teens. I am not proposing that you live through your teen, but it is a chance to rediscover all of those things that you loved when you were young. I have loved having the chance to share dark teen comedies with Caroline. I've shared my music, humor, and sci fi love. It gives me the chance to forget the draining adultness of my life and snuggle down with snacks and Heather's quotes.
It has also given me the chance to give the advice that I wish I'd been given during my teens. I was raised in an unconventional manner in a very conventional town. Life would have been so much easier if I'd had a road map navigating hygiene, fashion, pop culture, make up, and main stream society. I am not so far removed from it all that I can't steer her in the right direction. We jokingly told Lily that we want her to learn to fly her freak flag, but not too high. My girls and I have become very good at being ourselves, but not so much so that we stand out. We are "human wall paper," quietly pursuing our own interests while following societal norms.
Raising Caroline has given me the chance to remember to be hopeful. I have gotten in the habit of skulking through life waiting for everything to "hit the fan." I am slightly pessimistic and very untrusting. I think back to myself at 18 and I miss that girls. She had such determination. Caroline is so excited about the upcoming presidential election. She has researched and looked for the candidate whose ideas mirror hers. She is full of excited idealism. Me? I just think "Well, politicians are politicians. Eventually they'll stumble and let us down." What kind of attitude is that? Life needs hope! When she texted me asking me to go to a Bernie Sanders Rally with her, I said yes. I would not miss the opportunity to see her get to start to make her mark on life. We all need idealism.
This leads me to the last point, you get to see the results of all of your hard work. All of those late nights and daily battles, the vomit and potty training, the homework battles, the carefully shaping her world, the daily conversation of right versus wrong; it has all lead to this moment. The little girl who people used to think was just a bit "too odd" has grown into this remarkable woman. All of the love we poured into her is now being shared with every child she works with. The insistence that she finish her homework every night and "chunk" projects over weeks has resulted in a work ethic that rivals my own. The security and confidence building has resulted in a young woman who can move past every time someone hurts her. When the hurt becomes big or confusing, she still feels comfortable enough to come talk to us.
Sunday, September 6, 2015
The Bittersweet Month
Buffy and I walked outside last night and felt the first breeze of autumn. We sniffed wood smoke in the air, and felt it; the end of summer. September has always been such a bittersweet month. It is the end of summer with the promise of new beginnings. It is the chance to make new friends and learn new things. It is new school supplies (especially those pink erasers!) and new shoes. It is the closing in of toes in stiff new sneakers.
For me, it has been the month of my husband's birth and the watching of countless children learning, growing, and moving ever forward. When I was a young mother, September became a month of sorrow, as I watched the Twin Towers fall. Then that sorrow hit closer to home, when I lost my father. After that, it became a month full of more bitter than sweet. Over time, the sweet returned. New students for me, new teachers for the girls. Life moved forward. Then exactly 10 years and 18 days after I lost my father, I lost my mother. That was the hardest blow September had dealt me.
Now, it is a month of contraries. We speed up to move forward while slowing down to reflect. September is the starting point of something new. it is a month of cautious hope.
For me, it has been the month of my husband's birth and the watching of countless children learning, growing, and moving ever forward. When I was a young mother, September became a month of sorrow, as I watched the Twin Towers fall. Then that sorrow hit closer to home, when I lost my father. After that, it became a month full of more bitter than sweet. Over time, the sweet returned. New students for me, new teachers for the girls. Life moved forward. Then exactly 10 years and 18 days after I lost my father, I lost my mother. That was the hardest blow September had dealt me.
Now, it is a month of contraries. We speed up to move forward while slowing down to reflect. September is the starting point of something new. it is a month of cautious hope.
Monday, August 17, 2015
"So When You Aren't Mommying and Teaching What Do You Do?"
Interesting question posed by the mother of one of Lily's friends. I need to set the scene first. She is wearing an adorable red bikini that has explained to me covers up so much more than the one she wore in California. I of course think "What's less naked?" Reading my mind she explains that in California they practically sunbathe naked. I am wearing my size larger than last years "mom suit." I have to say, though this "mom suit" highlights my best summer asset, cleavage.
Usually, my pool time consists of my floppy polka dot hat (to prevent the freckles that where so cute in my twenties from becoming the age spots of my forties), some sort of awesome reading material (Brain Child Magazine, anyone? How about Redbook?), and just chilling. When I get too hot I do what I call the "Mama Hippo Wallow." I realize it isn't a flattering term, but I mean it literally. When I get hot, I take off my hat, use it to mark the place in whatever I am reading, climb slowly into the pool (oww, my knees), wade around and splash the kids, then end by floating on my back in the middle of the pool feeling weightless and ageless. Once I am cool enough, I get out and resume chilling.
Back to the other mother. She doesn't get to spend much time at the pool, so she asked if I wanted to join her on the other side where the rays have a better angel for tanning (I did not realize this was a thing.). She quickly apologized and told me she'd understand if I wanted to read my book. The reading material of the day was arguably the best book I'd read this summer, but it seemed rude to keep reading, AND I have vowed to put myself out there and meet new people.
Now back to the question. How do I answer? I spend copious amounts of time watching Netflicks and googling the answers to such pressing questions as "How to remove...stain?" "Which movie was ...in?" "The best comic book to movie adaptations" "ADHD parenting advice" "Which Pintrest crafts and recipes that I will never make can I pin?"
Or I could tell her that I read a lot and cross stitch a lot and just found out about adult coloring books. Instead I said I volunteer in advisory councils and Girl Scouts. Seriously, did I think this was a college interview? Did I think my hobbies were silly? Maybe. I think I mostly thought they were a tad bit slothish. Her hobbies? Working out and softball. I thought about telling her how excited I was to try going to a sip and paint or how I used to do yoga until I hurt my hand, my knee, my back, but the moment was past.
She talked about her divorce and asked me earnest questions about how I managed as a "child of divorce." She was sweet and pleasant. I, however suck at small talk. Mean while Lily was frantically sending me the family symbol for "Let's get the heck out of here! People are breathing my air!" I pretended to ignore her pointing at her imaginary watch and hooking her thumb towards the exit (of all the skills she could learn from Rob, this is it?). I put her off by ignoring her, knowing she wouldn't want to get out of the pool. After ten minutes she came over and in the loudest whisper in the world told me "I want to go home." She then proceeded to negotiate how soon we could go. Thanks to American Pickers, she is relentless.
Me "30 more minutes. You're being rude.
Her "Let's split it in the middle, 15 and I didn't ask to be here this long."
Me "Each round id 60 minutes, 30 is splitting it in the middle."
You get my drift. Man some days being a member of this family and trying to socialize is exhausting.
Usually, my pool time consists of my floppy polka dot hat (to prevent the freckles that where so cute in my twenties from becoming the age spots of my forties), some sort of awesome reading material (Brain Child Magazine, anyone? How about Redbook?), and just chilling. When I get too hot I do what I call the "Mama Hippo Wallow." I realize it isn't a flattering term, but I mean it literally. When I get hot, I take off my hat, use it to mark the place in whatever I am reading, climb slowly into the pool (oww, my knees), wade around and splash the kids, then end by floating on my back in the middle of the pool feeling weightless and ageless. Once I am cool enough, I get out and resume chilling.
Back to the other mother. She doesn't get to spend much time at the pool, so she asked if I wanted to join her on the other side where the rays have a better angel for tanning (I did not realize this was a thing.). She quickly apologized and told me she'd understand if I wanted to read my book. The reading material of the day was arguably the best book I'd read this summer, but it seemed rude to keep reading, AND I have vowed to put myself out there and meet new people.
Now back to the question. How do I answer? I spend copious amounts of time watching Netflicks and googling the answers to such pressing questions as "How to remove...stain?" "Which movie was ...in?" "The best comic book to movie adaptations" "ADHD parenting advice" "Which Pintrest crafts and recipes that I will never make can I pin?"
Or I could tell her that I read a lot and cross stitch a lot and just found out about adult coloring books. Instead I said I volunteer in advisory councils and Girl Scouts. Seriously, did I think this was a college interview? Did I think my hobbies were silly? Maybe. I think I mostly thought they were a tad bit slothish. Her hobbies? Working out and softball. I thought about telling her how excited I was to try going to a sip and paint or how I used to do yoga until I hurt my hand, my knee, my back, but the moment was past.
She talked about her divorce and asked me earnest questions about how I managed as a "child of divorce." She was sweet and pleasant. I, however suck at small talk. Mean while Lily was frantically sending me the family symbol for "Let's get the heck out of here! People are breathing my air!" I pretended to ignore her pointing at her imaginary watch and hooking her thumb towards the exit (of all the skills she could learn from Rob, this is it?). I put her off by ignoring her, knowing she wouldn't want to get out of the pool. After ten minutes she came over and in the loudest whisper in the world told me "I want to go home." She then proceeded to negotiate how soon we could go. Thanks to American Pickers, she is relentless.
Me "30 more minutes. You're being rude.
Her "Let's split it in the middle, 15 and I didn't ask to be here this long."
Me "Each round id 60 minutes, 30 is splitting it in the middle."
You get my drift. Man some days being a member of this family and trying to socialize is exhausting.
"Looks Like We're in for Nasty Weather"
I feel like there should be warning signs outside our door to let Rob know what sort of mood(s) he's walking into. You know, like the kind they put up at the beach to warn you about riptides? For example: Red Flag: wife can't zip her shorts, is in horrible mood and there is furious muttering, Blue Flag: youngest daughter frustrated by homework and there is crying, Orange Flag: oldest daughter planning event with friends and can't get everyone together and there is door slamming.
The estrogen in our house is bouncing all over the place. Right now we have a teenager, a tweenager, and a middle aged women approaching Peri-menopause. Translation: crying, stomping, snarking. Yesterday, I was ready to pull my hair out. It seemed like the only decision either girl could make was to snipe at each other or me. Right now? They are peacefully painting nails, and Lily just offered to let Caroline borrow her phone charger. I've heard life described as a roller coaster. Our life right now? A tsunami!
I understand where both girls are coming from (it is amazing the perspective that comes during a moment of calm). Lily, as I've said before, is in the in between phase. One minute she is playing dolls and watching cartoons, the next minute, she is listening to her i pod and putting on lip gloss (oh, and spilling nail polish on the rug as I type!). All of that internal conflict is bound to cause emotional upheavals.
Caroline is my daughter through and through. She wants everything in her world to be perfect and God help those who mess it up. I clearly remember being 17 and wanting things to be so perfect. I recall melting down in a store because I couldn't find a green prom gown. Caroline is so passionate about everything in her world. Sometimes that passion comes across as blind fury. She is so very excited about her Senior year. She is also so very worried. She second guesses herself around every corner. This week, the focus has been planning for Senior pictures. When I got mine taken, we had one choice: the drape. The hardest choice I had was which necklace to wear. Now? You are sent a glossy pamphlet crowing about how this is "your time!' "create your moment!" "bring props to show your true self!" What the heck!?! Do they know they are sending this to 17 year old girls? It is hard enough for them to decide what to eat for dinner. Now they have to choose their props? Outfits (to include jewelry and shoes)? They are 17, what the hell do they know about their true selves? I can't possibly begin to explain to her that moments aren't created, they just happen. The harder you try to create them, the more messed up they become.
Then there's me. I've heard tweens and teens compared to "terrible twos," but bigger. What the comparison fails to mention is that their mothers also enter a "terrible two" stage. Today, I found myself saying "If it is mine don't touch it because IT. IS. MINE!" Now, this was a legitimate response to going to look for my headphones for the 20th time this summer and `discovering that they had been appropriated by someone else. Nothing is mine anymore! My hairbrush, my scissors, my makeup, my headphones, my charger. I am already stressed and scattered and worried about someday becoming senile. Do you really think never being able to find something where I left it helps?
So the logical conclusion to all of this? Tidal waves of emotions. My best advice to anyone who crosses our paths? Batten down the hatches, grab a life vest, and hang on!
The estrogen in our house is bouncing all over the place. Right now we have a teenager, a tweenager, and a middle aged women approaching Peri-menopause. Translation: crying, stomping, snarking. Yesterday, I was ready to pull my hair out. It seemed like the only decision either girl could make was to snipe at each other or me. Right now? They are peacefully painting nails, and Lily just offered to let Caroline borrow her phone charger. I've heard life described as a roller coaster. Our life right now? A tsunami!
I understand where both girls are coming from (it is amazing the perspective that comes during a moment of calm). Lily, as I've said before, is in the in between phase. One minute she is playing dolls and watching cartoons, the next minute, she is listening to her i pod and putting on lip gloss (oh, and spilling nail polish on the rug as I type!). All of that internal conflict is bound to cause emotional upheavals.
Caroline is my daughter through and through. She wants everything in her world to be perfect and God help those who mess it up. I clearly remember being 17 and wanting things to be so perfect. I recall melting down in a store because I couldn't find a green prom gown. Caroline is so passionate about everything in her world. Sometimes that passion comes across as blind fury. She is so very excited about her Senior year. She is also so very worried. She second guesses herself around every corner. This week, the focus has been planning for Senior pictures. When I got mine taken, we had one choice: the drape. The hardest choice I had was which necklace to wear. Now? You are sent a glossy pamphlet crowing about how this is "your time!' "create your moment!" "bring props to show your true self!" What the heck!?! Do they know they are sending this to 17 year old girls? It is hard enough for them to decide what to eat for dinner. Now they have to choose their props? Outfits (to include jewelry and shoes)? They are 17, what the hell do they know about their true selves? I can't possibly begin to explain to her that moments aren't created, they just happen. The harder you try to create them, the more messed up they become.
Then there's me. I've heard tweens and teens compared to "terrible twos," but bigger. What the comparison fails to mention is that their mothers also enter a "terrible two" stage. Today, I found myself saying "If it is mine don't touch it because IT. IS. MINE!" Now, this was a legitimate response to going to look for my headphones for the 20th time this summer and `discovering that they had been appropriated by someone else. Nothing is mine anymore! My hairbrush, my scissors, my makeup, my headphones, my charger. I am already stressed and scattered and worried about someday becoming senile. Do you really think never being able to find something where I left it helps?
So the logical conclusion to all of this? Tidal waves of emotions. My best advice to anyone who crosses our paths? Batten down the hatches, grab a life vest, and hang on!
Thursday, August 13, 2015
Mother Hen
One of the many ideas that I considered as a second career was some sort of parent out reach. Not that I think I'm the perfect parent, far from it, but I do think young mothers need more of a sounding board. They need someone to listen without judgement. In past generations, our society lived close together or with extended families.Young mothers got the support they needed that way.
Well, as chance would have it, I have unofficially found myself with that job. I am surrounded by young mothers through work and my sister in law. It should not be surprising at all that I feel very protective of them. I had a few over for lunch this summer. It was so much fun to have my house full of babies and toddlers.
It was also so wonderful to be able to say time and time again "Your baby is perfect. Follow your instincts." and my favorite "No one goes to college wearing diapers, with a binky, sleeping in their parents' bed."
I had the hardest time as a young mother because everything seemed so life and death. "If you don't choose the right stroller, your child will have weak posture and end up with a hunched back." I'm exaggerating, but I'm sure anyone who has had a small child gets my drift. I felt so judged by my parenting choices. I leaned toward a modified attachment parent style. I didn't have a looking glass at the time that could show me that my girls wouldn't just survive, they'd thrive. I just went with my gut and beat myself up at night. Thank goodness the internet was new then. If I'd had all of the websites and snarky social media posts to navigate like these women do, I would have lost my mind.
Unfortunately, because we are living in a time of supposed transparency, people seem to think they have a say in your life. I also think people feel free to say things through the comment section that they would never say to your face. Although, one of my friends got face to face advice from a "well meaning" person at a restaurant. I am so glad I wasn't there. I have a feeling I would have had some suggestions for the advice. I am on the other end of motherhood. My girls are the proof that following what works for your family, well, works!
The internet has created one of my favorite parts of modern motherhood: the blog! There is an entire world out there full of bright, hysterical, fearless mothers. It is wonderful to know that you are not alone. But sometimes, you need that support from a face to face source. That's where I come in. I am going to be the Lorax of young mothers "I speak for the mommies." You'll find no judgement here. Only support.
Well, as chance would have it, I have unofficially found myself with that job. I am surrounded by young mothers through work and my sister in law. It should not be surprising at all that I feel very protective of them. I had a few over for lunch this summer. It was so much fun to have my house full of babies and toddlers.
It was also so wonderful to be able to say time and time again "Your baby is perfect. Follow your instincts." and my favorite "No one goes to college wearing diapers, with a binky, sleeping in their parents' bed."
I had the hardest time as a young mother because everything seemed so life and death. "If you don't choose the right stroller, your child will have weak posture and end up with a hunched back." I'm exaggerating, but I'm sure anyone who has had a small child gets my drift. I felt so judged by my parenting choices. I leaned toward a modified attachment parent style. I didn't have a looking glass at the time that could show me that my girls wouldn't just survive, they'd thrive. I just went with my gut and beat myself up at night. Thank goodness the internet was new then. If I'd had all of the websites and snarky social media posts to navigate like these women do, I would have lost my mind.
Unfortunately, because we are living in a time of supposed transparency, people seem to think they have a say in your life. I also think people feel free to say things through the comment section that they would never say to your face. Although, one of my friends got face to face advice from a "well meaning" person at a restaurant. I am so glad I wasn't there. I have a feeling I would have had some suggestions for the advice. I am on the other end of motherhood. My girls are the proof that following what works for your family, well, works!
The internet has created one of my favorite parts of modern motherhood: the blog! There is an entire world out there full of bright, hysterical, fearless mothers. It is wonderful to know that you are not alone. But sometimes, you need that support from a face to face source. That's where I come in. I am going to be the Lorax of young mothers "I speak for the mommies." You'll find no judgement here. Only support.
Restless Creativity: Summer Style
There is no better way to describe my family than "restless creativity." My uncle coin the term when he was giving my grandmother's eulogy. It means exactly what it sounds like boundless ideas, bouncing from one thing to another. This summer it seems to have hit hardest during these last few weeks.
I woke up one morning and realized "Oh shoot! It's August and we haven't painted the deck, fixed the pantry, completed summer reading, practiced for SATs, finished the sewing project, completed the cross stitch for my new nephew.... What the heck did we do all summer? So here I am, instead of "all summer in a day", it's been all summer in three weeks.
We went to Rhode Island. I used the time to play with my camera and the girls used it to try surfing. We shopped in cute boutiques and I bought flowy dresses and artistic earrings (I'm going for a certain look here). We came home and I tried new recipes and posted pictures online (shake your head, I don't care, it was well received). We watched movies like it was our job. We painted pottery. I am currently taking a break from medicine, so I was super type A about it and can't wait to see how my mug turned out. Lily sewed a little owl and I started my cross stitch. We've looked at meteors and taken walks. My phone is buzzing like mad with people texting me "Quick we need to ....."
The odd thing is I am enjoying this. I don't feel any panic or sense of time running out. I almost feel inspired. I definitely feel motivated to try to keep doing fun creative things all year long.
I woke up one morning and realized "Oh shoot! It's August and we haven't painted the deck, fixed the pantry, completed summer reading, practiced for SATs, finished the sewing project, completed the cross stitch for my new nephew.... What the heck did we do all summer? So here I am, instead of "all summer in a day", it's been all summer in three weeks.
We went to Rhode Island. I used the time to play with my camera and the girls used it to try surfing. We shopped in cute boutiques and I bought flowy dresses and artistic earrings (I'm going for a certain look here). We came home and I tried new recipes and posted pictures online (shake your head, I don't care, it was well received). We watched movies like it was our job. We painted pottery. I am currently taking a break from medicine, so I was super type A about it and can't wait to see how my mug turned out. Lily sewed a little owl and I started my cross stitch. We've looked at meteors and taken walks. My phone is buzzing like mad with people texting me "Quick we need to ....."
The odd thing is I am enjoying this. I don't feel any panic or sense of time running out. I almost feel inspired. I definitely feel motivated to try to keep doing fun creative things all year long.
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