I am Not a Wino

Oh my goodness! Yesterday Lily and I were sitting at my mom's house chatting with my sister in law and the subject of wine came up. Lily very sweetly puts her hand on mine and says (no silliness at all) "You drink wine, Mommy, when you aren't feeling well. And... you drink it in a wine glass! ( as opposed to what, the bottle? An empty Big Gulp cup?)" My sister in law choked back her laughter and I quipped "Oh my goodness, what things do you think that she tells her teacher?" (remember this is the kid who told her first grade teacher that she didn't want to go to her mommy's school because there was too much head lice there.). Lily looks at me in shock and replies "Mom, I wouldn't talk about wine at school; that's not a school topic." Not to be left out, Caroline strolls in and adds something to the effect of you are funny when you drink wine. Well, I can see that one. For example Friday night after an extremely long week, I had one glass and followed that with Peeps and Fun Dip (don't knock it 'til you've tried it). I guess after that I was a little punchy. I think Caroline is also remembering her uncle's wedding when I had a few glasses and told the kids they could "have as much cake as they wanted." By the way, I think Lily's fascination with the wine glass comes from the fact that I still use the wine glasses that Rob and I bought in 1994 at Walmart. Does anyone remember the glasses that had a clear glass top and blue glass stem? Well, Lily thinks they are gorgeous and not at all dated or tacky.

The truth is it takes me a month or more to finish one bottle. I am such a light weight, that I been known to get buzzed after half a margarita. I think that it is funny that my girls have collected these "Mom and her wine" stories. It is probably because it is one of the few times they get to see me when I am not checking off a list or barking orders.

It makes me wonder what other amusing stories they have collected about me. Do I amuse them as much as they amuse me? Highly doubtful!

Put On a Happy Face

I remember learning in psychology 101 that smiling releases endorphins which tricks your brain into feeling happy. These days, I must look like quiet a sight to those who are in the surrounding cars during my commute to and from school. I drive along on auto pilot, drinking jasmine green tea, listening to loud rock music, and smiling all the way. I don't have another choice. I don't feel very happy right now, so by golly, I'll fake it. I am lucky that I get to spend most of my day working with children. They have a way of moving your focus off of yourself. The flip side is I go home to my own personal child who wants the focus on her and her alone.

Lily is definitely going through something right now. I spend so much time arguing with her. She won't cave. I ask her to clean her room and she responds "make me." It is enough to make me want to spank her, but I know that will get me nowhere. What it does get her is timeout. She's spent a lot of time in timeout in her room. I know that this will pass.

I have some odd ways of dealing with stress and melancholy. I tend to gravitate towards very bittersweet books. I don't even hunt for them. I pull a book off the shelf and it matches my mood and current situation. I can fake happy all day, but at night I can dive into sadness. There is nothing wrong with being sad, as long as you don't let it take you over. Towards the end of this week I did feel like it was in danger of taking me over, but today has been better. I got some sleep for one thing. I didn't get much else done, though. All of that cleaning that I did last week is gone now.

Not only did I spend last week tricking myself into feeling happy, I was super mom. I was an unbelievably efficient organized working robot mother. That explains the tiredness.

I don't know how long this will go on. I just need to go one day at a time and do the best that I can each day. I end the day trying to focus on what I was able to get done and being thankful for my blessings. I am not always successful, but practice makes perfect.

She Who Must Get Things Done

In times of stress I become brutally efficient. It doesn't make for a fun vacation (it's spring break), but it does ensure that the world doesn't come crashing down around us. Unfortunately, once I am in that mode, it is hard to switch off. I become She Who Must Be Obeyed and Must Not Be Crossed. During times like this Lily counters by turning into She Who Will Not Be Denied or Ignored.

My efficiency comes from my mother's side of the family. Lily's attention seeking comes from my father's. Together it is like gasoline and matches. I clearly remember my father emerging from the bathroom with his head shaved completely bald the evening of my grandparent's 50th anniversary party. I also remember shaking my head in shock and my step-mother referring to him by a name that starts with an a and ends with an e. In hind sight, I know he wasn't trying to piss us off. He was nervous and it got out of hand. I really can't put how I understand it into words. I just get it now. This knowledge has kept me from throttling Lily this week. She doesn't mean to be so obnoxious, she just doesn't know what to do. I, on the other hand, am too dang tired to deal with her.
I have this intense need to organize this place. It took an entire day to clear out her bedroom. The end result was three trash bags, three donation boxes, and three Advils for Mommy. Not only does Lily take after my father, she takes after my paternal grandmother. My grandmother could not throw anything away. After her death, we found closets full of unseen photos and mementos, all along side of scraps of felt and half finished craft projects, all of which had been nibbled by mice. Lily's room was very much like Gramma's closet. As I was throwing away broken bits of toys and scraps of paper, Lily kept peering over my shoulder and hissing "What was that?! I might need that!" I almost snapped at her "Gramma, calm down, I'm not throwing away anything important!"

Luckily, the rest of the time the weather has been beautiful and I have been able to send her outside.

Stop The World, I Want Some Sleep!

Sometimes I wonder if it ever gets easier. Do you ever reach a moment when you can sit in pure contentment and feel that it has been a job well done? My To Do List has reached novel like proportions. I really don't think that it is every going to be finished. I am trying to be all things to all members (dog included) of this household and my school and honestly I feel that I am doing it poorly. Although show me a mother who feels that she is doing well and I'll show you a delusioned liar.

Things have been rough around here. Emotions are high and so is stress. I am standing here in the middle trying to keep things calm and diffuse potential battles. I am beginning to think that the first person who started small talk about the weather was a mother. Mothers can turn anything into a conversation: the blooms on the tree, an interesting cloud, the antics of a squirrel, or the next meal.

Unfortunately, my high energy youngest child does not handle stress well. Stress tends to amplify her personality quirks. When I am tired, what I normally find charming is mind numbing and grating. She has been openly defying me. No amount of punishment in the world seems to be making a bit of difference. I am so torn right now, I want her to mind, but I also don't want to wish away these last sweet moments of her childhood.

I am trying to do my best right now. I feel like I have been phoning it in lately. Next week, is Easter and Caroline's 14th birthday. I am going to try my best to make both events appropriately memorable. Provided Lily still isn't grounded.

Notorious

I was chatting with a friend at work and she was relaying a crazy story from her evening. At bed time, her two year old had pooped on the bathroom floor, meanwhile her four year old had covered his arms with lotion and was busily running his arms under water. When questioned as to why, he answered "I'm locking in the moisture." My friend then continued "I was thinking Oh my God, have we turned into the Simpson house?!" She wasn't referring to the T.V. show. No surprise my family comes to mind during chaotic parenting moments. I used to think that the insanity would settle down as the girls got older. Nope, all that has changed is the type of mess and type of chaos.

Take Thursday night, I was busy baking for the staff bake off. It was a Chopped themed cook off with cereal as the secret ingredient. I made salted carmel rice crispy treats. As usual I went late into the night and as I was sweating in front of the pot of hot carmel sauce, I wondered why in the world I kept signing up for these things. I finally climbed into bed and after reading a couple of pages of Jane Eyre, I fell asleep. Rob, however, was still watching T.V. next to me. For some reason (he didn't even know why) he started drumming on my head in time to the music on the T.V. I woke up startled to ask him what in the hell he thought he was doing. He had no answer. Then he showed me the painful splinter in his finger. We both went to sleep.

At around 2 a.m., he flung the covers off of us and started thundering around the room complaining about his finger. I look at it and it was swollen and red. I suggested that he try to sleep. He was unable and therefore neither was I. The next morning, I woke up early to get my bars cut and to help Caroline get ready for her school's career day. Rob's finger was swollen to twice it's size with blisters and he was in a lot of pain. He decided try to relieve the pressure by puncturing the blister with a needle. I shouted at him to stop and go to the doctor.

He ended up going to the ER. It turned out that he'd been bitten by a poisonous spider. He came to see me after school (and got to see the first place trophy that I won for best tasting in the staff cook off). His finger looked horrible. He got prescriptions for an antibiotic and Percocet.

He went home to rest and was going to pick Lily up at girl scouts at 8:00. I stayed at work and was going to pick Caroline up at the movies at 8:00. Unfortunately, when he was home resting, Buffy broke her collar and got out of the yard. The poor guy chased her down the street. Finally, the little turkey stopped and sat like an obedient dog right at our neighbor's feet (further proving how crazy we are to our neighbors). We bought her a new collar on Saturday. It took her an hour to break that one.

The entire weekend hasn't been a bust. Caroline got to go see The Hunger Games, I won a trophy made out of breakfast cereal, and Caroline and I won tickets to an amusement park at my school's carnival.

What else would you expect from the Simpson's?

I Am Getting Old

Really I am. My baby is starting high school next year. Last week a lovely young lady interviewed to teach at our school. She is a former student of mine! I shared this with one of the newly retired teachers from my school. We started thinking and realized that she was the same age that I am now when I first started teaching there right out of college. I am embarrassed to admit that at the time I thought that she was so old. We have decided that old is a state of mind (shocking concept I know). Just like no one can correctly guess my weight, no one can correctly guess my age. Maybe I wear it well. Maybe it is that usually I don't really care. Who knows? My dad used to think that the more I joked about it, that meant that it really bothered me. He was the only family member who really didn't care for my self deprecating sense of humor.

I think that Lily and Caroline keep me young. Especially Caroline, we are so alike in so many ways. We are either pals or at each other's throats. I think that she uses so much energy being an amazing kid outside of this house, that by the time she gets home she is spent. That means she has no patience for her overly dramatic little sister, wise cracking dad, and list checking mother. Enough said on that subject. When she is calm, especially when Rob and Lily aren't around, we have such a good time. She has become my movie/T.V. buddy. There are some really good shows on this year: Grimm, New Girl, Awake... She has discovered punk and grunge rock. On the way to her district band competition, she was nervous and in her words "being a pain in the ass." I put on Nirvana to calm her down. I am sure the boyscout dad who stopped us to direct us through the parking lot thought that I was nuts. Only boring mothers use homemade cookies to soothe surly children.

More and more she is choosing her path. She is still an avid reader. She has also started writing more and more. She thinks that she might want to look into writing for T.V. She has big ideas now and even bigger opinions. She is more aware of current events. I am so excited for her. She has so many adventures ahead of her. Of course, I can't tell her this. Well, I have tried, but it wasn't well received. Why is it so hard to truly appreciate the stage of life that your are in at that very time? I know, you are trying too hard to just survive it. She is navigating social and academic pressure beautifully. She doesn't think so. All she can see is that her friends are going to different high schools or taking specialty classes. She has opted for AP classes for language arts and history. That is no walk in the park. All I can do is listen. That is so hard. Sometimes I need to excuse myself to go into the next room to whisper advice just so I don't say it out loud to her. Man, parenting a teenager is so much harder than parenting a two year old. It makes you old and young all at the same time.

Well Hello

Where have I been you ask? What's been going on? Well at least those of you who still check this dusty site are. This winter has been like every other winter and not at all the same. First of all there was no snow. I can't emphasize that enough. No snow! That's like Christmas with no presents. No exciting gift of a day to spend doing nothing, but just being, no calm stillness of falling snow. This winter did not seem calm or quiet at all. Consequently, I have had no rest or reflection. I have tried to grab it in snippets and bits but that hasn't helped at all. Especially when you are like me, the woman who can't say no, who can't stop offering to help. Currently, I have my school's PTA, Lily's school advisory council, superintendent's advisory council, dance class for Lily, drums for Caroline, scout leader for Caroline, scouts for Lily, teaching, and managing a house (sort of). What else is new.

What is new? Caroline rocked the timpani, triangle, and tambourine at district band. She can honestly play. That just amazes me and my tone deaf self. Lily was tested for the gifted and talented program and we discovered that: Lily has the test scores but does not have the products. In other words Lily is too busy being Lily and loving life to stop and try to impress us. I think that i am ok with having a child who loves life to it's fullest. Maybe I can make up a bumper sticker "My wise guy kid made your uptight honor student laugh." We have all been pretty healthy (there was no winter after all). I got hit with a beginning of spring sinus infection. I brought it on myself by pushing and ignoring how sick I was. It finally hit me the night that I dropped my engagement ring down the bathroom sink and called Rob in the middle of a business dinner crying hysterically. I took the next day off.

I've been reading as much as possible. I really enjoyed The Friendship Bread Club and Romancing Miss Bronte. I enjoyed the Miss Bronte book so much that I am revisiting Jane Eyre. I have been in a "Regency State of Mind" lately, drinking cup upon cup of Constant Comment tea and mucking about pulling the dead weeds out of my garden. Speaking of my garden (you know the "Miss Havisham" garden), maybe I'll read Great Expectations next.

My hand is completely healed, except for the fact that I can't put pressure on it. That means no plank pose and no down dog. That also means that I flop about in yoga like a fish out of water, adjusting and readjusting my hand.

I miss blogging. I just can't seem to get to it or the laundry or grading papers or any of the ten thousand other obligations that I have. I am in such a busy season of my life. I know that it will pass by so quickly, though. I'll have time to blog then, but what on earth will I talk about?